The Healing Web
Some days we are just so exhausted, so weary, that we just don’t have anything to offer. It’s times like those that we just have to step back and take care of ourselves. To take some time to mend and heal ourselves.
Today is one of those times for me.
Please take care of yourselves.
Amituofo
~Buck
I’ve been struggling more here recently and I couldn’t figure out why. One reason is obvious though, I’m in a wave at almost 17 months out. But the rest I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then sometime in the wee hours this morning, somewhere between sleep and wake, it hit me.
It’s all the noise! All this noise in the world right now. Especially the constant stream of headlines, arguments, outrage, and chaos that seems to be literally everywhere right now. It doesn’t matter where you turn it’s there. TV, streaming ads, grocery store lines, conversations with neighbors, it’s inescapable.
Usually I can handle it better than this. But right now while I’m in a wave, everything is more annoying. Everything feels more raw and irritating, and it makes me have some serious brain fog, like I’m about to go numb or my brain short-circuit.
I remember when I first announced my jump date in my benzo recovery group. Someone who had already made it through said, “I didn’t use as long as you or as high a dose, but I can tell you this, you’ll probably have a rough 18 months to two years, but after that you should be feeling pretty great.” So far, he’s been right. He’d already done it and was something of a “coach” in that support group.
Most days these days are good days. The waves are fewer, shorter, and usually more manageable. But every now and then one hits hard, like this one, and everything feels extremely loud.
So when you combine a wave like this one with the constant noise from the outside world, it starts to wear on you in ways that’s hard to explain unless you’ve actually lived it. What I realized this morning is that all of it is getting under my skin more than it should. I’m letting it wreck my peace.
That’s the part I can work on though. I can’t control the headlines and I can’t control the direction of the country or the world. And I can’t shut all of it out completely no matter how hard I try. But I think I can start working on how I respond to it, or at least try to. I can bring my focus back to what’s right here in front of me, my wife and my sons, and the life I’ve fought so hard to still be here for.
It sounds like it should be simple but it ain’t. Especially during a wave. The waves pass like they always do, even when it feels like they won’t and I’ll be trapped like this forever. I know when this one passes things will feel better again and I’ll be able to cope better.
Until then I just have to keep doing the work one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Trying to find some peace even in the middle of all this noise and chaos.
I hope you can too if you’re feeling the same way.
Amituofo
~Buck
Photo Credit: Ty Britt
One of my favorite recovery writers announced today that they’re taking a break for a while. I truly hope they’re OK and finding what they need. I understand though. Recovery is hard enough on its own, and trying to show up every day with something meaningful or helpful can feel overwhelming. Especially with all the noise in the world right now. Sometimes we all need time to step back and catch our balance again.
Lately for me it’s been sleep, or the lack of it. The nightmares have been intense, but a few nights ago it got way worse. It was the most vivid one yet. It hit soon after I fell asleep, and when it woke me up my body was reacting like it had just lived through the actual real event from the past again. My heart was pounding and racing, the PVCs kicked in, I was drenched in sweat, and for the first time, I actually got sick, I threw up. I’ve never had that happen before from the nightmares.
The next day I felt completely off. Exhausted in every way imaginable, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I asked one of my doctors if there was a way to make sure I never had that kind of nightmare again. There is a pill for it they said. It’s supposed to “block” nightmares. But I’ve learned my lesson about reaching for pills, even prescribed ones, to deal with things like this. So I said no. Still, I don’t ever want to go through that again. Ever.
There are times I find myself envying people who don’t seem to have to deal with this kind of thing. The trauma, the withdrawal waves, the lingering effects. I know nobody’s life is perfect, but sometimes it feels like I’d gladly trade for what I imagine are “simpler” struggles.
And then there’s everything else on top, feeling run down, the heart acting up, the constant background noise of the world even when I try to tune it out. It all adds up and it gets heavy.
Even things that might seem small can get under my skin more than usual during the waves. I notice it more when I’m already worn down. Things that normally wouldn’t take up so much space in my head suddenly do. I catch myself reacting strongly and holding on to frustrations longer than I’d like to.
I guess that’s part of the wave too though. I’ve thought about taking a break from writing like the person I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Maybe stepping away would help, but I’m not sure it would. The things I’m dealing with wouldn’t disappear just because I stopped putting words to them.
If anything, writing is one of the ways I work through it. It helps me heal. So maybe the answer for me isn’t to stop. Maybe it’s just to write even on these hard days, without trying to fix everything or make it all add up all nice and neat.
Because waves come, they definitely happen, even at almost 17 months out. Whether they’re from withdrawal, trauma, life, or just being human… they happen. But they pass too even when they feel like they won’t.
Right now might be one of those times when the best I can do is just ride it out. Breathe through it and get through today and let tomorrow take care of itself when it gets here.
If you’re in a wave too, whether it’s like mine or something completely different, you’re not alone in it. Sometimes just getting through the day is all we can do and let that be enough. After all, some days that is the healing. At least that’s what I’m telling myself today.
Amituofo
~Buck
Several years ago someone very dear to me was really struggling. Life was kicking them in the teeth as the saying goes and they just couldn’t find a way out. They were heading down a very dark path, one I was already walking myself and I didn’t want that for them.
We had a lot of long conversations and I tried to help in whatever way I could. But what really helped them, what became a turning point in their life, was Stoicism. They picked up a book called Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and that one book led them deeper into the study and practice of Stoicism.
What came after that was nothing short of astonishing. Their life changed so dramatically and so quickly that it was stunning to witness. They went from feeling trapped, with no clear path forward, to moving to a new state, landing a dream job, and finding the love of their life. It remains to this day the single most dramatic positive turnaround I’ve ever seen.
They credit it to Stoicism. To me it’s a powerful example of the power of the mind. When somebody finds even just a small spark of hope, a new perspective, and something to hold on to. It can be literally life changing.
It just goes to show yet again there is no one-size-fits-all path to healing or recovery. I’ve heard so many people say, with arrogant certainty, that “Jesus is the only real way to peace”. I understand where that conviction comes from, and for a lot of people, that path truly does bring healing and transformation. But it’s not the only path.
I’ve seen with my own eyes that people find their way through a lot of different doors through faith, through philosophy, through recovery programs, through community, through inner work.
The thing that matters isn’t which path somebody takes, it’s that they find a way out of the darkness. That they heal and grow. If someone turns their life around, if they get clean or sober and if they become a better, kinder, and more peaceful person then that’s something worth celebrating, regardless of how they got there.
We don’t all walk the same road. But we can still honor each other’s journeys.
Amituofo
~Buck
Photo Credit: Ty Britt
My wife told me this morning that she woke up in the middle of the night thinking about something that might help someone today, that everyone needs an “anchor.” Something to hold on to, through daily life, through rough patches, or through recovery.
I thought that was a good point and idea. One of the reasons I write is to document my own recovery journey and what life looks like after active addiction. Also the hope that maybe something I share might help somebody else out there. Even if it’s just one person, that would be enough.
We were also talking this morning about people who got clean later in life. Some are well known, others are just everyday people like me. I mentioned David Gilmour because he wasn’t young when he got clean. He said it was his wife’s strength and love and an ultimatum she gave him that helped him turn things around.
The point is, there’s no “too late.” Whatever age you are right now, if you’re still breathing, it’s the perfect time. Right now. Some people have big platforms and can reach thousands. Most of us don’t though. But I don’t see that as necessarily a limitation. If one honest story reaches one person at the exact time they need it then it’s worth it. That could be a life changed and maybe even a life saved.
My wife is my anchor. Her strength, her patience, and her love are what kept me grounded when I couldn’t ground myself. My sons are part of that anchor too. They never gave up on me, and they still encourage me to keep going and to keep sharing my story.
There’s no way to fully express what that means to me. So I try to live my love and gratitude for them instead. Every day I try to be better for them and because of them. Even if everything else in my life fell away I would still keep going for them. Because they are my reason.
But everybody’s anchor doesn’t all look the same though. For some people it’s a person. For others it might be a pet or a place out in nature, a daily routine, or a prayer, a practice, or even just the decision to not give up for just this day.
If you’re going through a rough patch right now, if today has been one of those rough days please don’t forget that you don’t have to hold the whole world together. You just have to hold onto something. Find your anchor and keep it close.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Amituofo
~Buck
Snow in May. Photo credit, my son, Ty Britt
This is a hard thing to write about. I’ve had at least two attempts at writing this, trashing some drafts because I felt I came across too angry for it to get my point across. It’s personal, and I know it might stir some strong reactions, so I’m being careful here. But I can’t just stay silent about it anymore.
I spent over 50 years living in a place where there was almost a church on nearly every corner. Not just as a figure of speech, but really so. It was a deeply conservative area both politically and religiously right in the heart of the Bible belt. Almost everyone identified with and claimed those values.
In that time I saw things that never sat right with me. I saw Christianity and “conservative values” used not as a source of compassion, but as a tool to judge, exclude, and sometimes even punish/harm. Especially toward people struggling with addiction, mental health, or poverty.
These aren’t things I saw from a distance. I lived it. I struggled with alcohol and drugs. I went through severe depression so bad it was classified as “clinical depression with psychotic features” in my medical record. I had a doctor who genuinely tried to help me and I’ll always be grateful for her. But I also went through a system that didn’t understand, or want to understand, suffering and in some cases made it much worse.
I saw people come out of state-run mental health programs utterly broken in ways that they weren’t before. I saw fear used instead of care and compassion. I was even directly told by a doctor that my suffering wouldn’t improve unless I accepted his religious beliefs. He literally wrote me a “prescription” for his favorite Christian book.
Think about that for a moment. When someone is in pain, real, clinical, and overwhelming pain, and the response is, “This is your fault because you don’t believe. It won’t get better until you accept Jesus as your personal savior” something has gone very wrong.
And it’s not just about one town or one system. We live in a world where addiction is recognized medically by the federal government as a disease. Chronic, treatable, and real. And yet, people are still punished for it in ways we would never accept for other illnesses. People don’t go to prison for having diabetes or cancer. But addiction? That’s different somehow.
I understand that some crimes happen around addiction and prison is appropriate for those. But not all cases are like that. Some people are punished just for possession, nothing violent, nothing harmful to others. Just possession. There have been people sentenced to 20 years just for possession of marijuana.
That should at least make us pause and ask some questions about those prison sentences. What bothers me most, though, is the utter disconnect I’ve seen between what is claimed and what is lived.
I’ve known so many people who speak so passionately about “Christian values” but show absolutely no compassion toward the poor, the addicted, or the mentally ill. They show contempt for those people. I’ve seen utter outrage over little things like someone using curse words while actually harmful things are completely ignored or even cheered on.
And I don’t say this to attack Christianity. I know Christians who truly live their faith, who embody things like compassion, humility, and kindness in a way that’s undeniable. Those are some of the people I respect the most in this world. I’m proud to know them and count them among my friends. I don’t think Jesus would go around cheering on the “tough guys” or carry a gun to dinner.
When “faith” is used to justify cruelty, exclusion, or indifference it doesn’t just hurt people, it misrepresents and twists the very teachings it claims to follow. If someone believes in helping others, feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, then those values should show up in how they treat the most vulnerable among us.
And if we can’t help others then we certainly shouldn’t hurt them. This is about recognizing and acknowledging suffering and responding to it with humanity instead of judgment. It’s about asking ourselves honestly whether our actions and words actually line up with the values we claim to hold. Because at the end of the day, that’s what matters most. Not what anyone might label themselves as. This isn’t meant to be offensive, but if it is and you are someone who claims to be Christian but if Jesus’ own teachings about compassion and helping the disadvantaged offends you, what does that say about your relationship with him?
Amituofo
~Buck
“This sucks!”. That was the insight during meditation yesterday evening. No nirvana without samsara. No lotus without the mud. No “good” without the “bad.” Everything exists right here, right now, even when the here and now sucks out loud… or feels amazing.
The last seven days or so have been tough for me. I think I’m in a wave. It started with not feeling well physically, then yesterday I got some news I really didn’t want to hear. It wasn’t devastating but it hit me wrong.
What was different though is how I responded this time. Not that long ago, when I was in active addiction, I would have reacted very differently. Angry and out of control. Looking for something, anything, to escape how I felt, which back then usually meant alcohol or benzos. But this time I didn’t.
I handled it like a calm responsible adult. That might sound simple to anyone who’s never been addicted, but for me, that’s huge. I’m proud of that! I’ve come a long way.
Last night during meditation, I sat with everything I was feeling, still upset, still agitated from that news I mentioned. And one thought kept coming up over and over, clear and loud as a bell… “This sucks!”
It actually made me laugh a little. Of all the profound things the mind could produce that was what it came up with. “This sucks.” So I didn’t fight it and I didn’t chase it or latch on to it. I just sat there with the “suck.”
Eventually, because I wouldn’t latch onto it, it passed, like a cloud drifting across the sky. What came after that was something deeper though. Not intellectually but something deeper, something felt. There is no nirvana without samsara. No peace without discomfort. No clarity without confusion. No lotus without the mud, as Thich Nhat Hanh taught.
I’ve understood that teaching before in my head, intellectually. But this time I knew or felt it differently. It wasn’t something I was thinking about, it was something I experienced directly. Moments like that are called kensho, a glimpse of truth. But even that isn’t something to cling to or chase. It’s just another passing experience.
This morning, something else happened. I caught my reflection in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth. For a long time, I avoided that. I didn’t like what I saw, not just the tattoos on my face and neck, but what they represented. Where I was in life when I got them and who I was back then.
There was a lot of shame tied up in that reflection so I used to always look away. But this morning I didn’t. I looked and I actually smiled at myself. Not because everything is perfect and not because the past didn’t happen, but because I know I’m not that man anymore.
For a second there those old “voices” that used to always try to shame me came back… “Don’t forget what you’ve done. You know what you’ve done.” But I didn’t listen to them this time and I didn’t latch on to them.
Just like I’m no longer a slave to substances I’m no longer a slave to those voices. Meditation has shown me that thoughts don’t control me unless I latch onto them or listen to them. Faith has helped me forgive myself. And my family has given me a reason to keep going, even on the hard days.
So yeah, things can definitely still suck. But the “suck” doesn’t get to hijack my mind anymore. It doesn’t get to drag me down into that old cycle of shame and escape via alcohol or drugs. Part of letting go of destructive habits is learning to let go of self punishment too.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean tearing yourself apart. It means learning, growing, and allowing yourself to move forward. There’s a line from the song “It’s Been A While” by Staind that has always stuck with me, “it’s been a while since I could look at myself straight”.
I understand that deeply. But this morning standing in front of the mirror, smiling at who I’ve become now I realized something, I’ve come a long, long way. And for the first time in a long time I’m proud of who I am.
Amituofo
~Buck
I feel exhausted today after really bad, fitful sleep last night. Those nightmares again. I finally got out of bed, made some tea, and sat looking out the window. I found myself searching for something good, something hopeful, so the dreams wouldn’t set the tone for the entire day.
Nothing came at first. Then I checked the weather app and saw we’re supposed to get a winter storm… in May. That sent me spiraling straight into the blahs.
We’re human. Not every day is gonna be peaches and cream. Some days it’s the weather, some days it’s lack of sleep, and some days it’s just an undefinable weariness feeling. But even those days pass too.
Yesterday evening I was talking with someone who is struggling right now. They asked if I had any advice for dealing with some hard things they’re dealing with right now. I paused a while before answering because I didn’t want to give them any useless platitudes. I wanted to offer something real, something that could actually help.
I told them that for years I used alcohol, and then benzos, to self medicate. I used them to bury things I didn’t know how to face or process. But when I got clean and sober, those buried things were still there, memories, PTSD, nightmares, anxiety. They didn’t magically disappear just because I got clean and sober.
What changed was that I had to learn new ways to cope. I learned tools while surviving benzo withdrawals, and those same tools are helping me heal the wounds that kept me locked in addiction in the first place. Daily meditation, walking, hiking. Eating healthier and taking care of both my body and my mind.
I made it a point not to bring faith into that conversation. Faith is deeply important in my own healing but this person doesn’t relate to spiritual beliefs at all and I didn’t want to derail their moment of openness by talking in ways that wouldn’t help them.
I know what that feels like, reaching out for help and being handed religious trope instead of something actually useful. So I kept it practical. I told them to walk, even if they didn’t think it would help right then. Not with some grand or at the moment unattainable goal in mind. Just walk.
I told them to eat what they could, but try to actually nourish themselves instead of feeding the stress and problems with sugar. And I suggested meditation, not as religion or in any religious context, but as a tool. Start with five or ten minutes. Be consistent because with meditation consistency is key.
Meditation has been one of the most important tools in my own healing. If I had to choose just one tool, that would probably be it. It helped me begin facing what I used to run from and bury with substances.
This person wasn’t in crisis, thankfully. Just hurting and worn down. But the fact that they trusted me enough to open up was important. I wanted to honor that trust with something sincere and useful. Not some lecture or anything that might make them regret opening up to me in the first place.
That conversation reminded me of something really important, not everybody needs or wants spiritual language when they are struggling. Not everybody wants religious language. Some people do, and that’s fine but others don’t, and that’s fine too. But to really help, you have to honor what they need.
What matters isn’t converting people to our own worldview in recovery or life in general. What matters is helping people heal. Recovery isn’t one size fits all. People aren’t cookie cutters. There are a lot roads/paths that lead people back to life and healing.
The best thing is just meeting somebody exactly where they are right now, talking in a way they can actually hear and offering tools they can actually use. That can be enough to help someone keep going today. No religious platitudes necessary.
Amituofo
~Buck
I had a post ready to publish today but just as I was about to hit “publish” I stopped myself. That post was driven by my own anger and I didn’t want to put that kind of energy out into the world. We’re all suffering enough already. I didn’t want to add to anyone’s suffering. There is too much of that going on right now.
The things that stirred that anger are still there like war, rising costs, people losing access to healthcare, racism, hatred, and apathy. The list goes on and on.
One of my favorite bands, Pink Floyd, released a song in 1987 called “On the Turning Away”. I think that song is even more relevant today than it was back then. It talks about a kind of apathy that feels like it’s everywhere right now. My wife isn’t a big Pink Floyd fan, it’s not really her style, but even she likes that song.
As I sat there with my finger ready to publish that angry post I realized something… if I put it out there in that tone, I would be no better than the things and people I was raging against. I would also be a hypocrite. If I claim to follow Buddhist principles but speak out with hatred and contempt then even that justified anger can turn me into the very thing I oppose.
So I didn’t hit publish. I scrapped that post and started this one instead. I deeply believe it’s right to speak out against injustice, prejudice, racism, cruelty, and harm. Silence in the face of those things only helps them grow. But how I (or anyone) speak out makes a difference.
There is a raging fire right now, you could even call it a dumpster fire, but you don’t extinguish an out of control fire by pouring gas on it. Yes, a fire is an emergency, but panic only creates more chaos, and chaos doesn’t produce smart decisions. I’ve seen that firsthand in a house fire.
To stop a fire you attack it at the base. You have to remove what feeds it. This particular fire seems to feed on anger and chaos. Those are its gasoline and deception and lies are its oxygen. Hypocrisy is the dry brush or kindling that helps it spread. People claiming to be “people of faith” while abandoning every single principle of their own faith. People claiming moral values while protecting sexual predators, hurting the vulnerable and poor, enriching themselves, and cheering war from a safe distance.
Until that hypocrisy is confronted nothing really changes. Those of us who are appalled by what’s happening have to be careful in our approach. We are dealing with angry people, and most of us are angry too. But anger has never overcome anger, ever.
It reminds me of martial arts sparring and tournaments when I trained in the 1980s. If you faced somebody larger or stronger, staying calm was crucial. If your opponent got agitated or angry that was good because they made mistakes. They overcommitted and were overconfident. That made them vulnerable to timing, strategy, and skill.
The same principle applies now, a calm and clear mind is stronger than a chaotic mind. And there is one very real and very powerful thing we can do… Vote in November.
Even though these people try to convince us we are powerless, we are not powerless. Our voices will count and be heard. Our votes will matter. That is exactly why they work so hard to make people feel defeated, cynical, or too exhausted to care. So stay calm. Don’t feed the fire with more fire. Meet that fire with courage and clarity. And in November, meet it with action with your vote.
Amituofo
~Buck
Have you ever had somebody try to bring up things from your past to hurt you or “cut you down to size”? Maybe you got clean or sober and now share your story so others know they can heal too. Most people, in my experience, are supportive of recovery and of someone trying to live a better life.
But there are people who, for whatever reason, act like they’re threatened by it. They reach into your past and try to use it like a weapon. They try to embarrass you, shame you, or remind you of who you used to be. People like that can be as toxic as the substances you left behind.
I’ve only had one person try to do that to me. I no longer have contact with that person because of that. Just like I cut alcohol and benzos out of my life, I cut toxic people out of my life too. I don’t live in the past anymore, and I share my story freely and openly so there’s really nothing anyone can “expose” that I haven’t already faced myself.
Sometimes though it isn’t other people doing it sometimes it’s our own minds. Sometimes the mind digs up old memories of things we said or did during active addiction and it hurls them at us like weapons. It tries to tell us that we’re still that same old person. That can be harder to deal with than a toxic person because unlike another person we can’t just remove our own mind from our lives. So we need a different approach.
We can take power away from those memories by bringing them right into the light. Confront them just like we would a person trying to shame or hurt us. Write them down and face them honestly. Challenge the lie that your worst moments actually define you. Use meditation or prayer to calm yourself when those memories come. Practice what’s called radical self compassion. Focus on the good you’re doing now instead of the harm you did back then. You’re not the same person you were in active addiction.
Yes, recovery can include making amends when needed and where possible, but only when it doesn’t cause any further harm. That part matters a lot and I think the “as long as it doesn’t cause harm” part is too often overlooked. Real healing isn’t about reopening wounds just to ease our own conscience. It is about honesty that’s guided by wisdom, humility, and sincere care for others’ lives and feelings.
Getting and staying clean is about more than just not using substances. It’s about healing and growth as a person, as a human being. It’s about putting down toxic behaviors just as much as putting down toxic substances. There may be setbacks but you don’t have to be ruled by old shame from your past. You don’t have to answer to every single accusation from others or every cruel/painful/shameful thought from your own mind. The past might still get loud sometimes but it absolutely doesn’t get the final word. The life you build today and the good you do now speaks louder than anything from the past trying to drag you down.
Amituofo
~Buck
Whispering Wyrd 